Doubt Doesn’t Get to Hold the Bar

I can feel a negative thought coming into the training room like a thunder cloud. The moment I start a new conversation with someone in the gym when I really should be doing my next set. I know it’s because I am scared I’m going to fail a rep.

Because I know very first-hand what this looks like, I see it in me, so I see it in my clients too. I see them stop up to the bar. I see them look up, hesitate, look around the room, go for chalk, I have one lady who does an adorable little jiggley dance before she goes. Then sometimes, if it's been a really tough day, she starts to move and then has to do the ritual again.

I have seen hands reach for the barbell on the floor only for pleading eyes to meet mine again for another form refresher. I have heard every story going about being tired, having failed at this quest countless times so this one won’t be different, time of the month, did loads of work in the garden yesterday, too hot, haven't had much water, parked in a puddle. My response, Nod, smile, I do see them and so I tell them, 'all I can hear is blah blah blah blah blah blah'. I say it jokingly of course. I am serious though.  This isn’t intended to be mean; it is me lending them my belief. I am not saying that no one fails. We fail. But we fail productively, then we do something that is a win.

There is science to negative self-talk. We have all been told how bad it is for us, yet it persists, which paradoxically just adds to the negative self-talk cycle. This is your handy guide to understanding why we talk negatively to ourselves and how to stop it, in the gym, in the supermarket and at 3am when Nora just doesn’t want to let you sleep (p.s. that is only part of the reason you are tired).

Why one thought joins another

In 1987 Harvard scientist Daniel Wegner asked a group of research participants not to think of a White Bear. Bet you are thinking about a white bear right now. Bet you think about a white bear randomly for the rest of the day.

It turns out that asking people not to think about something turns the volume up on exactly the thing you asked them not to think about. In my world, don’t drop your hips becomes a belly flop instead of a press up. Don’t squat, hinge, becomes a crazy looking flamingo style movement not even vaguely resembling an RDL. Don’t touch the wet paint…well, you get it. To not do something, we have to keep in mind the thing we are not doing. This is called ironic process theory and the harder you try not to think about something, the more of your brain airtime’s it gets.  Which can make the thought hard to shake if it really takes hold. So definitely don’t think about adding more protein to your diet (winking smiley face emoji).

The Cost of Mental Simulation

You are driving round a carpark, looking for a space. Maybe you are catching a flight and you are a little on the tight side for time. The car park is rammed, and your copilot is helping you find a space

‘over there’

‘where’

‘don’t go down the next one, it’s the one after that’

You turn down the next turning. Almost like the car is on auto pilot.

To get to the space you wanted, your brain has to picture the thing you were told not to do. You turn because the picture in your brain looks familiar. Obvious, because it is. It’s just that your brain was imagining the place you didn’t want to go so it could figure out how to get to the place it did want to be. The don’t part adds an extra step. This is called predictive processing. Your brain models the failure in order to navigate away from it. A clear instruction, turn down the second lane, would have got you to your space with ease. No additional mental gunk to work through.

Your pull up, deadlift, difficult conversation is the same. You tell yourself ‘I can’t do this’ and your brain reminds itself of all the times you have failed at anything. Don’t get me wrong, it hears ‘do this’ and you might try you will just be coming at it from a much heavier place.  Your brain is bougier than Kim K in a candle shop. Carrying the extra load of watching old reruns of past failures while trying to navigate something new is a heavier cognitive load that Kim K’s shopping bag haul. Let’s put the bags we don’t need to carry down.  

Cortisol and the Prefrontal Cortex

Talking to yourself unkindly, i.e. telling yourself you can’t, shouldn’t have no business doing etc. can trigger a threat response in your body. This low stress state can raise cortisol, the action hormone, the one that can, in the wrong circumstances have you on the lookout for danger. As we know, one thought joins another so a negative thought has your brain looking for another. The low stress state can make the logic part of your brain harder to access. All of this means you have less ability to learn new skills, stay calm, make good decisions (biscuit anyone?) and regulate your emotional response. That is why when you talk yourself out of doing something you immediately want to reach for whatever you usually use to soothe yourself, cake, alcohol, work etc.

The irony here is that talking negatively to yourself quietly dulls your ability to find the resources you need to do the thing you are trying to do.

What to Say Instead

Think of a White Bear. Why not. One key to stopping the negative thought cycle is to treat your brain like a toddler who is pulling everything and anything off the shelf in Tesco (other supermarkets are available). Give it a job. Something else to hold. When you spot a negative thought incoming, give it a bear.

You can take this one step further. Imagine the bear is giving you a hug. Letting yourself have self-compassion in the moments you are talking negatively to yourself has been shown through Kristin Neff's research to outperform generic positive thinking. Your brain is unlikely to believe the positive thought. It’s too jarring, too unbelievable straight off the back of a negative spiral. You won’t go from ‘I can’t’ to I can do 20 pull ups on my first try if I tell myself I can. Firstly, kindly, you can’t, you need to build up to it over time and secondly, with love, those thoughts will have your internal Nora laughing her socks off while your nervous system crosses its arms and sits facing the corner like a stubborn school child.

After the excuses, I am very often met with ‘this is hard’. I always reply ‘yep’. Of course it’s hard. It’s not meant to be easy. I know how difficult it is. I see the effort going in. We are in this together. Doing the hard thing, one step at a time.

If you don’t have someone to be with you when you are scared, go back to the bear. Imagine a nice warm hug from a white bear. That moment of self-compassion and kind witnessing helps turn down the volume on the threat response.

It is not about telling yourself you're brilliant when you don't believe it. It is about removing the active harm of the critical voice. In my world, that’s where blah blah blah comes in. It is just a way of noticing that thought loop and breaking the cycle long enough to find a better narrative. It lets you break free of the negative so that I can shoehorn my belief in the gap it leaves behind.

The Song on the Wind

Because I think about work maybe all the time – I love it so it doesn’t feel like work, I wrote this poem about all the times I have seen my clients lose self belief. It came to me while I was cooking my tea. My little window of downtime that I love. These words are mine, the sentiment is for you. Borrow my belief for as long as you need it. It’s free, and never expires.

Don't tell me I can't.
I can't hear you.
Don't tell me I won't.
I can't hear you.
Don't tell me it's not mine.
I can't hear you.

The song on the wind says:
I can.
I will.
And it's mine.

Words: Becky Bliss