My Map In Words — My Field Guide To Remembering Me

As a child, my sister and I went to Sunday school. I don’t remember much about it apart from sitting on cold chairs, in a cold room with high ceilings in the back of our local church and being told off for not listening. We weren’t a particularly religious family, outside Sunday school, the only time I can remember going to a church service (other than for the life events, weddings, funerals etc) was the occasional Brownies outing where the only draw was the lottery of who got to carry our flag down the aisle. I did it once, it was weirdly stressful but quite exciting.

Fast to a year ago. As part of my ongoing quest to learn as much about what it means to be human as I can I kept stumbling on people talking about the importance of having spiritual practice in your life. Now I’m not talking about people who I would normally expect to tell me spirituality was important. I am talking about physicists, philosophers and even sports scientists.

The point they seemed to be making is that our health and vitality grown exponentially when we have a belief in something outside ourselves. Something that grounds us. Something that makes us see that we are all connected. They all suggest that while traditional religion boasts the benefit of community that seems to be getting lost in our more isolated culture, a belief in nature, the universe, a deity of your own choosing also serve to give us something to get us out of our own heads.

Then I listened to an interview with Arthur Brooks. The topic of the conversation was happiness. Now I have my own thoughts on happiness that you can read here [link blog post on why happiness isn’t what you think it is]. He suggested that one of the things that he feels strongly saves people’s relationships is praying together. That hit me like a ton of bricks. Because as a kid, I went through a phase of praying. My prayers were always asking for help. And the thought of saying these out loud to someone else made me inwardly shrivel up like a slug who had salt poured on them (apologies for the grim analogy, I’ll try harder).

I hadn’t had anyone that I trusted enough to share my inner most thoughts with as a child so I shared them with no one in particular but saying them out loud felt oddly comforting. He went on to talk about the Serenity prayer used in 12 step programs. When he read it out I felt that comfort again but something didn’t resonate. I couldn’t get on board with all of the parts of it. So I sat down and tried to write my own. For most of my writing I just let whatever I want come out. For this, I needed some anchors. I wanted my serenity prayer to be a daily reminder. A guide post that I could use to start my day or refine my path. Something I could gently nudge myself with. I started by thinking about how I want to feel every day. Strong, unjudgmental, peaceful, mindful and loving. When I thought about it. This was the woman I wanted to be. So I wrote;

Give me the Strength to see how far I have come.

The Grace to know how far I still want to go

The serenity to find peace in the smallest of moments

And the integrity to live my life guided by love.

There is a lot to unpack here if you want to understand it fully. If you want to take it just as it is, this is yours to use with my blessing.

If you are coming with me, lets dive a bit deeper into my brain.

Strength

I have been, like all of us, great at seeing other people’s progress and not good at all at seeing mine. It is normal. Everyone has this super power. It’s built into us. Our brains don’t want us running around like E-number filled 5 year olds all the time so we have a system that shuts down the release of dopamine if our nervous system thinks things are getting too intense. Over time, if our systems learned that super highs came from tiny wins (getting your picture put on the fridge and having the whole neighbourhood come round to worship it like David Hockney’s latest installation), your system starts to go ‘ok, just Wednesday, move on. Similarly if those paintings went straight in the bin, your system also learned that your creativity is useless. Same shutdown. Both mean that your internal result scale doesn’t really tell you the truth.

There is another part to this that anyone who has tried to learn something new (which is everyone) will recognise. Tiny steps don’t show in and of themselves. A step outside your front door doesn’t get you 2 miles away, nor does the second or the third.  You are still in your street, still looking at the same view, until you are not. And the change is so subtle that you really have to pay attention to notice that you are now somewhere totally different. I want to remind myself to look up and see the new view as often as possible. Change the pattern that keeps that dopamine stuck in an endless loop of ‘you are not growing’. Because when  you look up, you realise just how far you have really come.

Unjudgemental

There is a little story here. My Mum and I used to go out with our cameras in search of winged insects. Mum loved butterflies, moths, bees, weird bugs the names of which we would google later and my favourite, the one I would always be the most keen to track, the dragonfly. I have no idea why I love dragonflies so much, but I do. Apart from the fact that they are one of the oldest creatures on the planet, they have a 98% kill rate and almost 360 degree vision. They literally keep moving forward. That is where the next line came from. My goals rarely have a definitive end. Learn handstand became learn press handstand became handstand press up and on and on. I started with my idea and I wanted to remind myself that during the practice there is still more to learn, still more places I can grow, still more ways I can keep moving forward. The grace was to still Nora, the voice in my head that, if given air time, just tells me ‘that kickup wasn’t perfect’ or ‘your arms are still bent’. The grace I want to give myself is to know that while it might not be perfect now, I am still on a journey, no matter whether that is a life or fitness destination. The grace is the fuel I need to let myself keep going with kindness. I have a dragonfly on my forearm now. It doesn’t just remind me of Mum. It also reminds me to give myself grace to fail and keep going.

Peace

In the book I talk about my definition of love in all it’s forms. It is a feeling I didn’t truly notice until way too late in life and one that I want to hold onto. This is where peace comes in. Love by my definition is peace and contentment in the presence (even imagined) of something or someone who brings you joy. This, as I have learned, is best found in moments that don’t matter. What some call the ordinary moments. Sitting talking with someone I love. Having a coffee by myself in the garden. Walking along and smelling a honeysuckle flower as I pass.  Celebrating someone else’s win. Feeling Harley’s weigh as he leans on my leg as I type. I want the calmness and peace in my body to let me slow down enough to spot these moments because they are what make life special.

Love

The last one sounds like I am auditioning to be a Disney Princess (Belle, not further questions). It is a bit of that. Noticing birds singing even though they don’t necessarily mean what we think they do, noticing the feeling of the sun on my skin, noticing how food tastes. It’s also about looking after my boundaries. It’s the real part of self love that often goes un spoken. The part that means I remember what MY needs are and honour them even if that means heartbreak. It means saying no to protect my time. It means making sure I ask for what I deserve and don’t shrink to fit someone else’s idea of me to please them. It is also about combining all of the previous parts when I think about others. To give them grace but still not let them take advantage. To remember that they are on their own journey which has nothing to do with mine. And to notice if I am enjoying the small moments or whether they feel like daggers to my heart or a drain on my soul. If I have learned one thing, it’s that love isn’t always pretty. Sometimes it’s ugly crying in the car on a Tuesday morning. And that’s ok as long as there is peace underneath the pain.  

I use the term prayer because ‘wish to the universe’ seems too magical and mantra isn’t the right vibe. Maybe it’s really a map in words. A daily reminder of the woman who was fossilised. The one who spent so many years being everyone else's clean up crew she forgot what her own shape felt like. And it helps. It helps remind me of the feelings I want to live my life by. It’s not a to do list. It’s a to feel strategy.

If you want to write your own you can do what I did. Write down 5 feelings that make you feel the most you. They could be anything. I suspect they will be similar to mine but in your words. Then just add some direction. Take each feeling and think about how this shows up in your life or how you want it to show up. You don’t have to share you prayer with me but if you did want to I would love to hear it. Share it below or send me an email.