Your Inner Keep: Reframing Boundaries as Needs
I’m a recovering people pleaser—and not the cute “just wants everyone to be happy” kind. I was the “build emotional castle walls, shut the drawbridge, and decorate it with fairy lights so no one notices” kind.
I’ve talked about Emotional DOMS (Delayed Onset Mindset Soreness) before—the ache that shows up when you don’t abandon yourself—but we haven’t talked enough about how to get there. How to stop doing things just to keep the peace. And how to start protecting what actually matters to you.
In other words: boundaries.
Except—that word? Not to my taste.
(Language matters more than we realise, and I try to avoid the word hate.)
When I hear “boundary,” I picture fire-breathing dragons, castle walls, and an evil queen turning anyone who crosses the drawbridge into enchanted creatures, cursed to do her bidding. It’s too harsh. Too defensive. Too all-or-nothing. Like we’re shutting the world out and daring people to break in.
I want you to realise your Queenliness
—but not that kind.
That strategy? I lived it for years. It didn’t make me powerful. It made me disconnected, exhausted, and deeply lonely.
So let’s call them something else:
✨ Inner Needs
Because it’s not about keeping people out.
It’s about standing with yourself.
Knowing what makes you sparkle—and refusing to dim to star in anyone else's fairytale.
🛑 When Pleasing Becomes Invisible
I’ve had entire evenings with “friends” who didn’t ask how I was—not once. Worse, I’ve had them say—getting into the taxi, after eating the food I’d cooked and enjoying all the treats—“Oh, I haven’t asked about you tonight.”
They were so used to me deflecting that they stopped checking in altogether.
And the even worse? I felt relieved.
But also… hollow.
I had made myself so invincible—so self-sufficient—that when I actually needed support (like when I was caring for and grieving my mum), no one showed up.
Not because they didn’t care.
Because I’d trained them not to.
And I congratulated myself for surviving alone.
I know better now.
But I only know through being there, reflecting on my patterns (not theirs), and slowly climbing out of the dungeon I’d locked myself in.
🚩 The People-Pleasing Pattern
I said yes when I meant no.
Agreed to plans I didn’t want to go to—then flaked at the last minute.
Sat through endless small talk about holidays, football, shopping lists…
...when all I really wanted was connection, movement, laughter, play.
Saying yes to others at the expense of saying no to myself didn’t make me kind.
It made me resentful.
💡 How I Started Protecting My Inner Needs
1. I regulated first.
My nervous system had to feel safe before I could even hear my preferences—let alone express them.
That’s why I share so many body-based tools now: you can’t tend your own castle if you’re heroically defending someone else’s.
We need to move out of fight, flight, or freeze—and into peace.
2. I noticed the vibe.
Some people just aren’t your people. That doesn’t make them bad.
We don’t all love the same music.
Everyone has an inner song—some you want on repeat, others make your hackles rise and have you scrambling for the skip button.
When we finally listen, our body tells us everything.
3. I changed how (not if) I connected.
Loud, boozy dinners became quiet walks.
Late nights out became mid-morning coffees.
I didn’t cut people off—I just stopped shrinking to fit their rhythm.
4. I found my YES.
When I cleared space, I discovered what I truly love:
Deep chats. Games. Wild ideas. Movement. Honest connection.
I love knowing what’s really going on in someone’s mind.
I’m no longer available to be an emotional dumping ground or a life admin hotline.
And I don’t expect others to bend to me either. I just offer different invitations:
“I’m not up for a big night out, but want to come for a walk instead?”
🕯️ The Inner Keep
You can’t defend a castle you don’t own.
So start here:
-
What do I love to do?
-
How do I like to be treated?
-
How do I want to show up in the world?
These are your Inner Needs.
And honouring them isn’t selfish—it’s self-respect.
In fact, I’d argue that not owning them can be selfish.
Because I don’t want fake friendships—even well-meaning ones.
And I don’t want people leaving interactions with me feeling like they had to carry a shield just to get through it.
I want them to walk away lighter, brighter—maybe even skipping into the rest of their day.
Do I get it right all the time? No.
Do I revisit this often? Absolutely. Especially on hormonal days, emotional DOM days, or just really hard ones.
But each time I come back, I come back stronger.
And I remember: I’m not starting over. I’m just facing the next level up.
Which will still be waiting at the next level... and the next.
With each return, my flame burns brighter.
And I remind myself:
We don’t have to blow out someone else’s candle to let our light shine.
So—ready to claim your keep?
Let’s light it up. 🕯️