How I Turned Heartbreak Into Strength: A Journey Through Grief, Fitness, and Resilience (and how you can do the same)
Two years ago, I lost my mum to cancer. She was a fit and healthy, adventure-seeking, go-getting goddess. Her boundless energy and fearless approach to life still inspire me every day. Think of a wyvernless Manon Blackbeak, and you’ll be close to capturing her spirit. This blog is rooted in the essence of her legacy—combining resilience, community, and movement in the face of life’s challenges. Think a wyvernless Manon Blackbeak and you are somewhere close. She was and still is my hero. She would walk for hours, she did all her own jobs around the house, would walk to the supermarket and carry her shopping home even though she had a perfectly functional car, just because she wanted the extra exercise. Then the pandemic hit. She was forced to stay inside and my Queen of a mum turned into a scared, lonely lady who crossed the road when she saw someone coming toward her to avoid the contact (which was not like her at all). I cannot say with certainty but I firmly believe that having her community removed from her and being forced to stay inside at least led to her illness.
I will talk more about this story in future chapters but for now, know that in the days, weeks and months after I lost this legendary figurehead to our small family, the gym was my sanctuary.
When I left Mum for the last time, I didn’t know it was the last time I would see her. I got a call from my sister less than 6 hours after my train ride from Kent to Yorkshire. I was out walking my dog whom I had just collected from a wonderful friend who had kindly taken care of him while I was away. That phone call hit me as hard as you can imagine. I did not know what to do. Literally. I was walking one minute and then I wasn’t. Harley came to see what was up and it was only knowing that I had to take him home that made me move.
In the following days, I lived on autopilot. Thankfully, I had Harley to look after, which meant I had to go for a walk every day. These walks, though seemingly simple, became a lifeline. The rhythm of my footsteps and the fresh air provided a sense of structure when everything else felt chaotic. Over time, each walk felt less like an obligation and more like a quiet moment to breathe, process my emotions, and start piecing together a new normal. Just this small act of getting up and going outside for half an hour with no phone helped me immeasurably. I went from feeling like I was being crushed under a rock to being able to breathe.
Being someone who has trained every day in some capacity be it Strength training at the Gym, yoga or jiujitsu, I was no stranger to moving my body. In the months following loosing mum though, I didn’t want to do any of those things. I wanted to sit on the sofa, curled up with my pup and no see or talk to anyone. Did I do that? No. Why? Because I knew that I had to move. Movement felt essential, not just for my body but for my mind—it was a way to channel resilience and connect to something larger than my grief. It reminded me of the strength and sense of community my mum always valued. Was I any good in the gym. Gods no. I was terrible! I couldn’t think straight, I would look at my gym program and go at it like I normally would, but everything felt ridiculously heavy. My legs didn’t want to work, I couldn’t fathom the gymnastics I had worked hard to learn and I got crushed so badly at jiujitsu I honestly thought about giving up. The only thing that kept me going was that I got to see people I liked and had something to talk about that wasn’t how sad I felt. I found that sharing time talking about squats, deadlift, handstands, kimura’s and sweeps took me out of my head and while doing these things my body was opening up even if it still felt to painful for my heart to do the same. I could smile and even laugh in these situations. There were also days when I felt angry, really angry. I would go to the gym and lift as heavy as I could or I would spar extra hard and by the end of the session, my head always felt a lot clearer and the anger had dissipated somewhat. I have learned that grief is not linear. I didn’t go from sadness to anger to bargaining etc. I would have days where I felt all the things in one day, I would have very angry days and I would have days where I felt intense guilt for knowing that Mum wasn’t suffering any more. Often the most intense of these feelings would come up while I worked out. My head was clear and the emotions were set free to present themselves to me in full force. Which I was not happy about as I have worked very hard to make sure my emotions stay in a box much like Nesta. Having the physical outlet made dealing with them possible. If someone had said to me, ‘sit down and feel’ I would have run away from them as fast as possible. But run until your legs feel like they are going to fall off at half the speed you usually run at, and cry like a baby, that I could do. Feel the rage and channel that into a big lift, that was possible.
We know that moving the body reduces the stress, released endorphins and serotonin. We know that maintaining routes builds self respect and self esteem but what I don’t think enough is talked about is how vital changing your body position is. Walking, swinging your arms, releasing tension in the shoulders. Lifting, feeling tension build and then release. Stretching, having to focus on your breathing and so regulating that anxious short breath cycle that come with the crushing weight of sadness. Being pinned under a 90-kilo training partner in jiujitsu, working to out manoeuvre them while staying calm and connecting brain and body, teaches resilience in a way few other experiences can. All of these factors are reflected in all of our Romantasy books. Our heroine’s take these journeys in all of our favourite books and we LOVE them for it. So a question for you, wonderful, beautiful girl. Are you doing this for you? If not how can we help you get there?
What you should know going into exercise to help you though a difficult time;
- Walking is THE BEST. If like me, you are an audiobook girlie, you pop in those headphones and join your favs while you are OUTSIDE. To align with the Fitness Faeries theme, consider listening to fantasy audiobooks that inspire strength and resilience—titles like A Court of Thorns and Roses, Fourth Wing, or Nocticadia can transport you to another world while you take in the fresh air. I cannot stress enough how much being outside will help to elevate your mood. What I am saying here is don’t walk on a treadmill at home or on the gym. Go outside. You will feel so much better when you get home or back to the office. The science of being in nature and allowing your eyes to move is fascinating and I will be talking more about this in the future. It is all part of my healing journey. For today, even if your lift only allows you 10 minutes, you will see (or I should say feel) the benefits.
- It is OK to cry at the gym. I am not going to say that people don't care and that they won't even notice you. In reality they may not notice you, they have their heads plugged into their workout and their entertainment of choice. What I will say is that if they do notice, honestly, people do care and they get it, they will have been there multiple times too. Movement moves feelings. Exertion brings up emotions. The gym is a hot bed of people feeling all sorts of ways and mostly (but not always) keeping it inside. I have stood and cried at a squat rack before I have lifted a thing. I have failed a lift and felt my heart drop through the floor. I have had friends burst into tears while we are doing Tabata. The net result, we always felt better afterwards. If you can find someone to train with (even if it is online), you will feel less alone in those moments and that is everything. If you prefer to train alone, know that I see you and I completely understand.
- It is more than OK to cry at the end of (or in the middle of) a yoga class. I do not want this to put you off going to a yoga class especially if you are feeling fragile. You can 100% do an online practice if you want to keep yourself private. Just know, I have had dozens of people cry at the end of my classes (maybe they are just glad there is no more core work😊). Stretching an opening up, especially in the hip area, and especially when you are doing something new, will bring up all sorts of feelings. Sometimes it is even just that the closing comment from your teacher touches a raw part of you or triggers a memory. It’s kind of why yoga exists and it will make you feel lighter in a way you can’t explain.
Doing anything where you have to focus for an amount of time will help scattered thoughts. For example, I’ve found that during jiujitsu, when I’m grappling or practicing techniques, my mind has no choice but to zero in on the task at hand. This intense focus pushes aside anxious thoughts and brings a sense of clarity I wouldn’t have otherwise. In the gym counting my reps, doing any kind of sprints, handstands, walking on uneven ground, being crushed by another human. All of these things helped me to get out of the fog of anxious thoughts.
So now you feel inspired. What should you do?
1. Walk. Right now. For 5 minutes. Make it a practice to walk for and extra minute a day for a week and see how you feel.
2. Stretch. Some of my favourite yoga teachers online are;
3. Listen to your body. This is one that everyone says and no one knows what it means. It means if you are aching from head to toe, it is time for a rest day, go for a walk, swim, bike ride (note I didn’t say cycle, this suggests making it a sport, I want leisure activity thinking here). It does NOT mean sit on the sofa and wallow. You will feel worse I guarantee it.
4. Eat whole foods as much as possible. I will talk about food in much more detail but the link between eating real food and feeling better is undeniable.
5. Find a physical activity you can do with other people (that is not reading in the same room, although you can do that as well). Community is soooooooo important. It will also help you stay motivated and might even lead you to other fun activities.
6. Share your journey. I want to hear all about it.
7. Celebrate. Find a reason to cheer for yourself. Did you go for a walk when you REALLY didn’t want to? Did you go to the gym for 30 minutes because that was all the time you had (you can download my busy girl gym program here). Did you enter your first 5k with your new running club? Did you get your first PB in the gym? Did you stick a pose in yoga that you couldn’t hold last time you tried? These might all seem small but they are HUGE. I want to hear about all of these too!
8. In the words of the High Lady herself: No one was my master – but I might be master of everything, if I wished. If I dared. This sentiment resonates deeply with fitness and wellness: daring to take those first small steps, challenging your limits, and embracing the journey to master both body and mind. What will you dare to do today?